I am lately preoccupied by how afraid of hope I tend to be... and I always think, “It’s just when you let down your guard and be happy that things go wrong.” Now I’ve experienced this, yes, but it’s almost more the story moment of it. The movie of it. The Matthew Crawley driving down the country road, blissfully satisfied with his life of it.
I realized just this morning (ironic, since this is from my favorite movie) it’s the “Little did he know” of it.
As if there is a narrator somewhere telling my story as a novel or film, and what makes an interesting story is what? Conflict. As Julian Fellows said (paraphrase), “If everyone was happy on the show, there’d be nothing to watch.”
It’s the story teller, the writer in my brain that warns me of the constant, imminent potential for heartbreaking disaster. Because it makes a more compelling plot.
Even now, well on my way to one of my biggest and least expected dreams coming true, I find myself thinking... is this my Cousine Matthew moment? Am I choosing blissfully unaware? Is the truck just around that next bend?
Every time I choose to lean into hope, buying something to prepare for the future as if this is going to go exactly as well as it seems to be, letting myself say the words and smile and anticipate, it's like a camera pulls back and sees how things may end up and the audience goes, "Aw, that poor, pathetic thing. She has no idea, does she?"
I keep coming back to, "that's no way to live," and pushing past it. But at the same time I can't help but know that if tragedy struck, my first thought would be, "See?"
God Help Me.
Even now, well on my way to one of my biggest and least expected dreams coming true, I find myself thinking... is this my Cousine Matthew moment? Am I choosing blissfully unaware? Is the truck just around that next bend?
Every time I choose to lean into hope, buying something to prepare for the future as if this is going to go exactly as well as it seems to be, letting myself say the words and smile and anticipate, it's like a camera pulls back and sees how things may end up and the audience goes, "Aw, that poor, pathetic thing. She has no idea, does she?"
I keep coming back to, "that's no way to live," and pushing past it. But at the same time I can't help but know that if tragedy struck, my first thought would be, "See?"
God Help Me.
Comments
Post a Comment